Woke up to Taylor Swift “I knew You Were Trouble.” I can picture mum merking her own rendition with Aaliyah in the background expressing approval for every vocal she belts out. I ain’t even mad at that. I’m a shell of what I used to be. I am indifferent to Lila and whatever she stands for. Started with losing interest so fast now I found myself dining with a profound sense of apathy and a desire to do absolutely nothing.
“I have no desire to be comforted by the fantasy that my parents are now peacefully re-united.”
Is this true dad? That all this while you conveniently chose to give me false hope just so I can write back? Used to be every time you pay me those glorious visits in my dreams I rush on here to express myself but was all that a set-up? Dreams reveal truths and half truths but was it all a lie? I chose this channel knowing too well it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I gambled, it paid off, for a minute, now my disturbed self is back at zero. Why should I write anyway? I had no intentions whatsoever of dusting this place with my craft. The ideal world expects that I grieved enough, demands that I grow the hell up. Many have told me to use my muse in other ways to trigger a different set of emotions. What other ways when the only feel I now bathe in is apathetic, when the only inspiration I held was pain, when what will definitely keep me going are the invincible slave tears that my pillow is ready to wipe off every other night of the calendar year?
I mean today is about me so why should I even say Hi Lenkai? I’m supposed to be selfish it’s allowed this once, No? Like please don’t send me that Birthday message, we’re only names and text upon a screen. It’s pointless, you are meant to be self centred. This is a sabotage of sorts so I’m making the first step towards a Carefree next 25. The two reasons behind my existence no longer breathe so tell me why I should celebrate? I’m growing older wrinkles are knocking on my door. Entrapped within the solid walls I put myself in, to even think of letting them in. A master of portraying calm waters in an otherwise stormy area.
Yet, a dark cloud lingers trying to squeeze the life out of me. I show no emotion, that’s weakness. Such a young at heart lady carries so much burden that she’s willing not to share. Such a bubbly being has shut herself out of the world with excess force strangling life with bare hands that should otherwise be embracing all the love surrounding her. What Love? The only Love I am aware of left me cold blooded, the streets are shouting. I see what others choose not to see. No one to annoy the shit out of, no one to listen to my boring mindless drivel, no one to go home to, no one to hold conversation with, no one to fix my favorite dish. All 3 of you gone. The only Love I can gift myself belongs to You. Please do not be worried about me, have fun. I’m supposed to be happy, every Tom Dick and Whoever blurts this out I presume. I should stop being a nag and smile and ‘man up’ right? It’s the universally acceptable state of mind – Happiness. Why hadn’t I thought of this before? Easier said than done. It’s my Special day for crying out loud. The gift you left behind – me – to be celebrated, adored, respected, is not!
If You think I’m heading Depression’s way, You’re having a laugh. I can smell Serotonin deficit 100 yards from my small dark curtain room. I can work my way around things from the much I know. That my fam would freak out, I’m not one to speculate but really I’m fine I’m well I’m okay. I have faked smiles more than the average orgasm faking woman, get me an Oscar. I’m hopeful, a believer but my faith is in shambles. I keep trying but that’s not enough. I’m not a quitter so why should I quit being empty. I feel wrong but there’s no way to correct myself. I can get out of this tidal wave of misery, I should break away, throw me the keys oh loyal one. I laugh and smile but I’m not happy.
Forgive my manners, I should be asking about your stay here but does it matter now/ I only know of happiness when I look at the mirror, should I stay there? Sometimes I think I’m addicted to the idea of being depressed. I crave that sad feel and feed it with my all. Feeling down isn’t always a bad thing. I feel justified in my anguish. It’s familiar and easy to fall into and wallow in out of habit. A very uncomfortable comfort zone that I get bored when I’m out of it. But I fight, I do.
Utopia, of playgrounds on which my slightest whim becomes Law,
Nothing else matters when we dance in the stars to Future’s catchy flow,
These voices just won’t shut up, the whispers have reached a new low,
Out of touch with reality they say it’s my obvious flaw,
Unmet childhood needs, to the gardener I filled up that empty nest,
Shielding myself from the unknown, does it bother the rest?
Surreal how they quickly pass me my cloak of shame,
The only time I escape is when the system shuts my eyes in your name,
Regrettably, my every pull towards the light bears no game,
Unfortunate that I’m damaged from inside out this casual frame,
Go Ye forth and increase the price of air who’s to blame?
Gather Your courage you are hurtling towards the sea of oblivion all the same,
Lost in a maze, staring at the nothingness that I became,
Emancipate thyself from mental slavery, blow out the final flame,
Impatiently waiting for all this to pass like in the past,
Seasons that end send and crippling come thick and fast,
Blinded when I felt a dearth of you most,
Of empty promises swept across the frowning coast,
Release me from this self bondage dear host,
Not Today will I be just another blip on the radar that lost.
Maybe I just need to know how to be Happy. Happiness requires massive work ethic. Lazy loves me too much the lesser the effort the better, one would imagine. Maybe I just need more nature walks to reflect on the Lows of 11 mother frikken years and Highs of really are you serious?
Maybe next year will be better, should I shed tears or is it too late to restore a cherished youth? I crave for Happiness but that’s not who I am. I need both Sadness and Happiness to get me by. The next morning I feel like a proper cretin, grab a few smiles that have worked a charm in keeping negative thoughts at bay, then go back to being the awesome douchebag that I Love. Rinse and Repeat.